This is a crappy topic. It’s crappy because it involves so many hurt feelings – yours, your partner’s and soon your kid(s). And the only way to get through the difficult job of talking it through with your kids is to be the adult -because that’s what they need from you. So putting aside all the stuff and reasons of why you’re separating or going through a divorce, it’s time to think about what you’re going to say and when.
When to talk it – if possible pick a low stress time – so think Friday evening, or a Saturday – this way they have the weekend to process it. If you do it before school or just before they have an assessment or a sports game – you’re really going to throw them – so really think about your timing. Also, if possible pick a time where that’s the only thing you’re going to talk about. Don’t pick a time when you’ve just told them off or you’re trying to get them to do a chore. Its an important subject – devote the time and space to it.
How to talk about it – this depends on how old your child is. The main messages you want to convey are:
1) it’s not their fault;
2) we’re still a family; and
3) you are very much loved.
An example of something you could say is “ Mum and dad have been having some problems. We’ve tried hard to fix it and we feel that it would be best if we separated. This is going to look like us living here whilst dad moves out, but we will work out lots of ways for you to still see/talk to dad regularly. We want you to know its not your fault and we’re still a family. We just won’t all be living together. Mum is still Mum and Dad is still Dad and we love you very much.” This covers all the bases and you can work out the logistics later –and definitely make sure you work out the logistics.
For most kids – it’s the change in routine that is most upsetting and the lack of follow through with plans. The logistics post separation are really important and they are a good indicator of “actions speak louder than words”. If you have said that the child will still see the other parent then it is up to both parents to work this out and ensure that it does happen.
As always these conversations are ongoing. Some kids take time to process the information so you may need to check in or follow up with them. You know your child the best and what works for them. You don’t stop being an expert on them when something like this happens – trust your gut and ensure you get some support for yourself if you’re feeling hurt so that you can get on with the business of being the adult.